"Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well." 3 John 1:2

Recently I realized that I was in trouble physically, because I am sick in my soul (in my mind and emotions). The events of the summer have taken their toll on this soul of mine. Not just the stuff with my friends in other cities, but with friends in my church. It seems that I'm not allowed to ever have close friends. Even the ones here at home, in my church, have been ripped out of my life.

I realized the state of my soul Friday or Saturday night after one of my friends who left our church emailed me to see how things are going. This was the morning after I realized that I no longer trusted the Lord as far as plans for my life. It's no irony that found me getting physically sick Saturday night with an upper respiratory infection that I am just now starting to recover from.

Then Sunday my pastor preached some things that began the healing, just a bit. A good start that probably would have gone deeper into my soul if my body hadn't been feeling so poorly. I made it to both services, and I'm really glad I did. Pastor even spoke encouragement directly to me just a bit. A gentle reminder of things I needed to hold on to.

I had another small thing happen today, someone from the past replied to a question I'd emailed to them. There's comfort in finding that not all bridges are burned.

So, here I am, recovering from a physical illness: the first one this bad in about two years. Following the worst spiritual attack of my life, I think. I'm sure of it, because I've never been as spiritually mature or strong as I was at the beginning of summer, and this attack nearly took me out.

(I must add something hilarious. My sneezes totally send my cats up the walls.)

Only six weeks until my trip to Israel, and I know I'll be recovered from this virus. I'm also working hard to be as ready as possible when it comes to the injuries from the car wreck last year. I started some new therapies last week, and they are making small improvements each week. I'll be calling the airline in a couple of weeks to see if I can take my EMS (Electro-Muscle Stimulator) Unit on the plane. It's a battery operated device that sends electrical impulses into muscle tissue to stop spasms. It will be of great help for the long flight from NYC to Tel Aviv, but in this post-9/11 world, I can't just assume it's okay to take as a carry-on. I also want to take chemical hot and cold packs, so I'll ask about them too.

All I know now is that we're flying over on Delta. I'll be receiving the final information in about two weeks according to the travel agency. Six weeks from tonight, I will be finishing up packing to go to Dallas on Nov 15th. I then join the others the next day to fly to NY, where we meet up with peeps from CA, GA, and NY. I don't know how big the whole tour is, but it must be huge.

I still haven't bought a camera. I'm shopping around and will wait to see what kind of sales there are for Columbus Day next week. That will be my last big thing to buy for the trip. There are some smaller things, but they will be easy to get.

Okay, I've rambled on long enough. Time for bed. Must get well.

PS. I've decided if the weather is still mild after I get back, which is possible where I live, I'm going SKYDIVING THIS YEAR!! If not, next summer for sure.

up late the other night

I was in so much pain the other night, not to mention the sad feelings, and I was awake until 3am. My eyes had been gritty most of the day, I I realized it was tears that dried in my eyes because I wouldn't let them fall. I was watching an interview with Mark Schultz, and he talked about putting thoughts and feelings on paper. So that's what I did.

My eyes are gritty from unshed tears
I won't let them fall
My cries seem to land on deaf ears
But I know that's not true
I know the Lord always hears
And still, I won't let the tears fall
I see there is no use
They won't fix life or change mistakes
Seems I always end up alone
Someone of whom nobody thinks
Why are they gone? Why are they always taken from me?
A lost friend was found, only to be lost again.

The last line is about two people, really, but the one that really breaks my heart is a lady that was sort of a mentor to me several years ago, before I stopped going to church. We'd reconnected a couple of years ago, me being more mature, so the friendship was even sweeter. I'd grown up, no longer looking to her to fight my battles, and instead determined to fight them for myself. I was growing in the Lord, learning so much, having a good time being in church, and then a mental illness took this friend away. She's not the person she was, and it's effected our whole church. We're praying God will bring her back to us, that she will be healed.

I don't get close to people very easily, and it seems like the few I have tried to trust and open up to are always taken away from me. There are a couple of guys at church I talk to some, but they are both married, and I can't become too friendly with them (in case anyone is wondering why I'm only talking about being so close with other women).

Why am I always alone?

it's been a long summer

It's been a very long time since I actually looked forward to fall and winter. I hate the cold. But this summer was so bad that I just want to bury it in the dirt where it belongs. It was a Murphy's Law of a summer, where just about anything that could go wrong did. It frightens me a bit to admit that if I didn't know for a fact that God has me and my life in His hand, I would be in serious trouble. There are times I feel like crying, but it wouldn't make me feel any better because it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't change anything.

I just want to feel better. Why can't we just die for a few moments to rest and then come back?

When God says to do or not to do something, obey Him.

The truth is, the mess with The Group and all the others involved is my fault. 18 months ago, God told me to break off all contact with fans of this group, especially the ones who were still involved with the fan club. I didn't listen, and now I may end up with the same fate as Moses. I've gotten a glimpse of the promise, but mat not be allowed to enter in. And I've had to tell someone goodbye that I wish I didn't have to, but it's just the way it has to be. And too bad, because when The Group wasn't a topic of discussion, we could have a good time. Perhaps God will bring us back together. Only time will tell.

nothing much happeneing

Or maybe it's that there is so much that it's impossible to keep up.

It's been cool enough the last two days to keep the windows up and to use fans. I love the way my apartment smells when I can open up the windows.

I've decided to not go for disability yet. I'm going to have to know that I can't work before I'm willing to file, and I won't know that for sure unless I try and then can't. There are moments when I feel like I'm crazy for doing this, but then I remember that "faith without works is dead." I'm going to work my faith for healing by getting a job.

Good news on Mom - they aren't taking out her kidney. They still don't know why she's got uncontrolled hypertension. Especially since she and Dad aren't raising my niece anymore. So much for the stress excuse. Except that they are still upset that my niece won't even talk to them. She will eventually learn to get over it and talk to them again. Me and my sisters did. Some people just weren't meant to raise teenagers.

It's church night, which I always look forward to. I have some really good friends there, which is something that is not possible to find online. Everyone I've ever met online, with the exception of two young ladies, has proven in the end to got give a care in the world about anyone but themselves. They only care about being "in" with people who in the end won't remember them once the band retires. I'm thankful that I learned that lesson before stabbing anyone in the heart.

That's it for now.

*sigh*

I've decided to write a letter to The Group, simply telling then that I know what they did and how they were wrong to do it. And now the guy who told me about it to begin with is asking me not to, cause then Ms. Not So Nice will know he told me. I understand this, but they aren't even friends anymore. AND she will have no right to get mad at him, cause she's the one that flapped her jaws. And The Group is even worse, since they are the ones who spoke when they shouldn't have to begin with.

Awake at 1 AM

And my alarm clock goes off at 6 AM. I am used to staying up late, and I've got things on my mind. Also, I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat.

So, referring back to my first post, I must give a bit more information.

I mentioned that some people had betrayed me, and they did; however, some new light has been shed on the situation that might give them a good reason to have done what they did.

It goes back to something two years ago, and further, actually. The person (whom I will call Ms. Fan Club) who'd started the fan club I mentioned, put me and some other fans of this group (whom I will call The Group) through a week of hell for reasons that I still don't understand. And if asked for reasons, I'm doubtful that even she knows why she did it. It stems from some psychotic need to be the only "fan" The Group liked just for who they were. She wanted it so that they only liked the rest of us because of her. She began hating me in Nov 2003 when one of the group members dedicated a song to me after a conversation we'd had the night before, and it's not as it sounds. The group member is also a woman, and our talk had to do with something God was doing in my life that night.

In May of this year, I gave The Group a letter telling them that God had revealed to me why they were put into my life and me in theirs - there is too much to that to post about. When I'd had to leave them and the fan club in March 2006, I felt like I'd failed, because I thought I was supposed to help make this fan club an online ministry, both for The Group and for their fans. Teaching the fans to look beyond The Group and see the people and praying for them and such. But in April (I think) of this year, God showed me the real reason I'd met these people, and it was to teach me things that had helped me to minister in my own church. The Group had known a lot about my past and how God had used them to not only save my life, but to help me understand who I was in Christ. I wanted to share with them this latest thing God had shown me, thinking they would think it to be cool that they'd been such as example to me.

WRONG

About a month ago, a friend (Mr. Friend) tells me that someone from The Group had told someone who's not a friend of mine, and even an enemy (I'll call her Ms. Not So Nice), about my letter. And they said I was still being upset over what had happened two years ago during a week of fans getting together. That never crossed my mind when I was writing the letter. When Mr. Friend told me this, I was hurt, angry and confused. They had no right to share what I shared from my heart with Ms. Not So Nice, who'd told me to take a hike when I was worried for her health two years ago. Mr. Friend also told me that Ms. Fan Club had been called in for a meeting with the record company and was told she needed to stop being a b*tch to the fans, esp with another week of the fan club getting together.

So, I hear that Ms Fan Club was actually nice last week, and then I thought, "Hey, could there be a connection to what happened with my letter and the meeting with the record company?" The Group was told by more than one person two years ago what this person had done to fans in their name - and the fan club wasn't even official yet. But they ignored it, telling her that she could do what she wanted cause she was saved, that there was no need to admit what she did, repent to God and apologize to us. Okay, maybe they didn't actually tell her that, but that's what she heard.

So, after nearly two years, they think I've been troubled over that week to the point that God had to minister to me about it. Perhaps they contacted Ms. Not So Nice to ask her what had happened that week - since nearly everyone else involved with that week has nothing to do with the fan club, and some have even stopped liking The Group. Is there a connection? My letter is misinterpreted, questions are asked of someone that shouldn't have been asked, but perhaps her answers are truthful about Ms. Fan Club. So The Group, through the record company (since the fan club is now official) has a meeting with Ms. Fan Club saying, "You'd better never do this again to fans."

And IF this is how it went down, then I will concede to actually seeing these people again. If not, and it really is a simple act of betrayal, then I hope to never see them again this side of heaven. I forgive them, and I will look to God for the healing of my heart. But unless He gives me a certain directive to reconcile with them, they are as dead to me.

No, not very Christian. I know that. Fortunately, God has a way of dealing with my heart, and over time, He will love me out of this hurt. Until then, unless it's news that there was a good reason for them to share my heart with others, this is how it is.