up late the other night

I was in so much pain the other night, not to mention the sad feelings, and I was awake until 3am. My eyes had been gritty most of the day, I I realized it was tears that dried in my eyes because I wouldn't let them fall. I was watching an interview with Mark Schultz, and he talked about putting thoughts and feelings on paper. So that's what I did.

My eyes are gritty from unshed tears
I won't let them fall
My cries seem to land on deaf ears
But I know that's not true
I know the Lord always hears
And still, I won't let the tears fall
I see there is no use
They won't fix life or change mistakes
Seems I always end up alone
Someone of whom nobody thinks
Why are they gone? Why are they always taken from me?
A lost friend was found, only to be lost again.

The last line is about two people, really, but the one that really breaks my heart is a lady that was sort of a mentor to me several years ago, before I stopped going to church. We'd reconnected a couple of years ago, me being more mature, so the friendship was even sweeter. I'd grown up, no longer looking to her to fight my battles, and instead determined to fight them for myself. I was growing in the Lord, learning so much, having a good time being in church, and then a mental illness took this friend away. She's not the person she was, and it's effected our whole church. We're praying God will bring her back to us, that she will be healed.

I don't get close to people very easily, and it seems like the few I have tried to trust and open up to are always taken away from me. There are a couple of guys at church I talk to some, but they are both married, and I can't become too friendly with them (in case anyone is wondering why I'm only talking about being so close with other women).

Why am I always alone?