Awake at 1 AM

And my alarm clock goes off at 6 AM. I am used to staying up late, and I've got things on my mind. Also, I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat.

So, referring back to my first post, I must give a bit more information.

I mentioned that some people had betrayed me, and they did; however, some new light has been shed on the situation that might give them a good reason to have done what they did.

It goes back to something two years ago, and further, actually. The person (whom I will call Ms. Fan Club) who'd started the fan club I mentioned, put me and some other fans of this group (whom I will call The Group) through a week of hell for reasons that I still don't understand. And if asked for reasons, I'm doubtful that even she knows why she did it. It stems from some psychotic need to be the only "fan" The Group liked just for who they were. She wanted it so that they only liked the rest of us because of her. She began hating me in Nov 2003 when one of the group members dedicated a song to me after a conversation we'd had the night before, and it's not as it sounds. The group member is also a woman, and our talk had to do with something God was doing in my life that night.

In May of this year, I gave The Group a letter telling them that God had revealed to me why they were put into my life and me in theirs - there is too much to that to post about. When I'd had to leave them and the fan club in March 2006, I felt like I'd failed, because I thought I was supposed to help make this fan club an online ministry, both for The Group and for their fans. Teaching the fans to look beyond The Group and see the people and praying for them and such. But in April (I think) of this year, God showed me the real reason I'd met these people, and it was to teach me things that had helped me to minister in my own church. The Group had known a lot about my past and how God had used them to not only save my life, but to help me understand who I was in Christ. I wanted to share with them this latest thing God had shown me, thinking they would think it to be cool that they'd been such as example to me.

WRONG

About a month ago, a friend (Mr. Friend) tells me that someone from The Group had told someone who's not a friend of mine, and even an enemy (I'll call her Ms. Not So Nice), about my letter. And they said I was still being upset over what had happened two years ago during a week of fans getting together. That never crossed my mind when I was writing the letter. When Mr. Friend told me this, I was hurt, angry and confused. They had no right to share what I shared from my heart with Ms. Not So Nice, who'd told me to take a hike when I was worried for her health two years ago. Mr. Friend also told me that Ms. Fan Club had been called in for a meeting with the record company and was told she needed to stop being a b*tch to the fans, esp with another week of the fan club getting together.

So, I hear that Ms Fan Club was actually nice last week, and then I thought, "Hey, could there be a connection to what happened with my letter and the meeting with the record company?" The Group was told by more than one person two years ago what this person had done to fans in their name - and the fan club wasn't even official yet. But they ignored it, telling her that she could do what she wanted cause she was saved, that there was no need to admit what she did, repent to God and apologize to us. Okay, maybe they didn't actually tell her that, but that's what she heard.

So, after nearly two years, they think I've been troubled over that week to the point that God had to minister to me about it. Perhaps they contacted Ms. Not So Nice to ask her what had happened that week - since nearly everyone else involved with that week has nothing to do with the fan club, and some have even stopped liking The Group. Is there a connection? My letter is misinterpreted, questions are asked of someone that shouldn't have been asked, but perhaps her answers are truthful about Ms. Fan Club. So The Group, through the record company (since the fan club is now official) has a meeting with Ms. Fan Club saying, "You'd better never do this again to fans."

And IF this is how it went down, then I will concede to actually seeing these people again. If not, and it really is a simple act of betrayal, then I hope to never see them again this side of heaven. I forgive them, and I will look to God for the healing of my heart. But unless He gives me a certain directive to reconcile with them, they are as dead to me.

No, not very Christian. I know that. Fortunately, God has a way of dealing with my heart, and over time, He will love me out of this hurt. Until then, unless it's news that there was a good reason for them to share my heart with others, this is how it is.