Tough Times All Over

Today, my company had their 2nd day of layoffs. Several were let go Friday, and for some reason it didn't hit so hard. Perhaps it was because still new and I was in shock mode. Also, there's a woman who sits next to me that will very likely be let go, and we were on edge waiting for them to come talk to her. They never did. We knew the layoffs weren't over, but I never thought the ones let go would be the ones. Today they let go two more engineers, guys that have been with the company for many years and are at an age that could make it hard for them to quickly find another job. I didn't know about it until they were gone, right at the end of the day, but I saw one of them driving by my window to where his boss parked. The look on his face was heart-breaking, and I worry for his health tonight that he might have a heart attack. I really hope wife is loving and supportive, because he will need someone to hold him up. I didn't see his boss, but they said he was also taking it hard.

The interesting thing in all of this is that I will most likely not loose my job, even though I've not even been with the company a whole year yet. It is because I do a job that has to be done to keep two of our plants running, and no one else knows how to do this job. There are two that know parts of it, but they have different jobs now. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for this. I have this job because of loosing a job when the corporation I worked for decided to move my job and others to their corporate offices in St. Louis. It would pretty much stink to loose another one so soon. I think I'm experiencing a touch of survivor's guilt. I'm also just in plain God-fearing awe that I have this job due to Him, and Him alone. Last December, I was sent on a job interview by a temp agency to a company in a field that I'd never worked in before, but I was ready for a change. I'd been in the medical field for about ten years, and I thought it'd be nice to see what else was out there. I walked out with the job, and when I finished the temporary position, I was moved into the corporate purchasing department. Then this past summer, I was moved into one of the positions of assistant to the Director of the department, which didn't come with a raise, but I was told at the time it made me more valuable to the company. I didn't mind the lateral move into a harder job, because I knew if nothing else, I was gaining job experience. Now it seems this valuable position is paying off, and like I said before, I'm in stunned awe of all God did to get me into this position.

Well, that's it. I pretty much just needed to get all that off my chest. Please pray for a guy name Phillip, the guy that I am worried about. Pray for everyone loosing their jobs in these days that a new job isn't always easy to come by.

Paradigm Shift

So I've been out of church for about six months now, not trusting church people or even God. It's painful to keep trusting people only to find out I was stupid. None of us can be trusted, and yet, there's always the hope that "this" person can be trusted. What I had to search was when did I stop trusting God? Even when the music group and the others involved did all they did, even when I didn't believe that God's will is always done, I still trusted Him with my life. But I reached a point this summer when I stopped believing in His love. Why? I tracked it back to when I realized that we will not be raptured out of here before the tribulation, and I didn't see how I could trust a God that would allow the ones who believed in His Son and lived their lives for Him to go through such a horrible time. This shook the very foundation of my faith, and I walked away for the most part. I've never stopped thinking about it, knowing that if I didn't get my heart back where it belonged, my future was eternity without God.

It's interesting the thoughts that come to mind in the nether-world between sleep and awake, the twilight sleep of the morning without an alarm. I finally realized that not taking us out of here before things get really bad isn't a lack of love on God's part. I realized that the Christians here in the U.S., Canada, perhaps New Zealand and Australia, we are about the only place where Christians haven't yet faced severe persecution for our faith, and it's rather wimpy to think we should get to miss the tribulation via the rapture. I now realize that God already knows when and how I will die and what I will go through between now and then. I am at peace knowing that He is already there.

There's another area that I've had to deal with in this journey through agnosticism. I've finally come to grips with the fact that I'd allowed witchcraft into my view of God. I bought into the "word of faith" thinking, the "name it and claim it" teachings and probably a good does of the emergent-church beliefs . I've got to start over on this deal, rebuild what i know about God and His word. This is made harder by the fact that I have no desire to go to any church, but this too will probably work out. Some other morning, when floating in twilight sleep, it will be clear to me where I'm supposed to go, who I'm supposed to show my heart to again.

One thing about it, I won't fake it. I won't pretend to believe just to make other Christians and church-people happy. That would be the truth part of "in spirit and in truth" I guess. And perhaps since He's still working on my heart, God agrees.