up late the other night

I was in so much pain the other night, not to mention the sad feelings, and I was awake until 3am. My eyes had been gritty most of the day, I I realized it was tears that dried in my eyes because I wouldn't let them fall. I was watching an interview with Mark Schultz, and he talked about putting thoughts and feelings on paper. So that's what I did.

My eyes are gritty from unshed tears
I won't let them fall
My cries seem to land on deaf ears
But I know that's not true
I know the Lord always hears
And still, I won't let the tears fall
I see there is no use
They won't fix life or change mistakes
Seems I always end up alone
Someone of whom nobody thinks
Why are they gone? Why are they always taken from me?
A lost friend was found, only to be lost again.

The last line is about two people, really, but the one that really breaks my heart is a lady that was sort of a mentor to me several years ago, before I stopped going to church. We'd reconnected a couple of years ago, me being more mature, so the friendship was even sweeter. I'd grown up, no longer looking to her to fight my battles, and instead determined to fight them for myself. I was growing in the Lord, learning so much, having a good time being in church, and then a mental illness took this friend away. She's not the person she was, and it's effected our whole church. We're praying God will bring her back to us, that she will be healed.

I don't get close to people very easily, and it seems like the few I have tried to trust and open up to are always taken away from me. There are a couple of guys at church I talk to some, but they are both married, and I can't become too friendly with them (in case anyone is wondering why I'm only talking about being so close with other women).

Why am I always alone?

it's been a long summer

It's been a very long time since I actually looked forward to fall and winter. I hate the cold. But this summer was so bad that I just want to bury it in the dirt where it belongs. It was a Murphy's Law of a summer, where just about anything that could go wrong did. It frightens me a bit to admit that if I didn't know for a fact that God has me and my life in His hand, I would be in serious trouble. There are times I feel like crying, but it wouldn't make me feel any better because it wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't change anything.

I just want to feel better. Why can't we just die for a few moments to rest and then come back?

When God says to do or not to do something, obey Him.

The truth is, the mess with The Group and all the others involved is my fault. 18 months ago, God told me to break off all contact with fans of this group, especially the ones who were still involved with the fan club. I didn't listen, and now I may end up with the same fate as Moses. I've gotten a glimpse of the promise, but mat not be allowed to enter in. And I've had to tell someone goodbye that I wish I didn't have to, but it's just the way it has to be. And too bad, because when The Group wasn't a topic of discussion, we could have a good time. Perhaps God will bring us back together. Only time will tell.

nothing much happeneing

Or maybe it's that there is so much that it's impossible to keep up.

It's been cool enough the last two days to keep the windows up and to use fans. I love the way my apartment smells when I can open up the windows.

I've decided to not go for disability yet. I'm going to have to know that I can't work before I'm willing to file, and I won't know that for sure unless I try and then can't. There are moments when I feel like I'm crazy for doing this, but then I remember that "faith without works is dead." I'm going to work my faith for healing by getting a job.

Good news on Mom - they aren't taking out her kidney. They still don't know why she's got uncontrolled hypertension. Especially since she and Dad aren't raising my niece anymore. So much for the stress excuse. Except that they are still upset that my niece won't even talk to them. She will eventually learn to get over it and talk to them again. Me and my sisters did. Some people just weren't meant to raise teenagers.

It's church night, which I always look forward to. I have some really good friends there, which is something that is not possible to find online. Everyone I've ever met online, with the exception of two young ladies, has proven in the end to got give a care in the world about anyone but themselves. They only care about being "in" with people who in the end won't remember them once the band retires. I'm thankful that I learned that lesson before stabbing anyone in the heart.

That's it for now.