*sigh*

I've decided to write a letter to The Group, simply telling then that I know what they did and how they were wrong to do it. And now the guy who told me about it to begin with is asking me not to, cause then Ms. Not So Nice will know he told me. I understand this, but they aren't even friends anymore. AND she will have no right to get mad at him, cause she's the one that flapped her jaws. And The Group is even worse, since they are the ones who spoke when they shouldn't have to begin with.

Awake at 1 AM

And my alarm clock goes off at 6 AM. I am used to staying up late, and I've got things on my mind. Also, I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat.

So, referring back to my first post, I must give a bit more information.

I mentioned that some people had betrayed me, and they did; however, some new light has been shed on the situation that might give them a good reason to have done what they did.

It goes back to something two years ago, and further, actually. The person (whom I will call Ms. Fan Club) who'd started the fan club I mentioned, put me and some other fans of this group (whom I will call The Group) through a week of hell for reasons that I still don't understand. And if asked for reasons, I'm doubtful that even she knows why she did it. It stems from some psychotic need to be the only "fan" The Group liked just for who they were. She wanted it so that they only liked the rest of us because of her. She began hating me in Nov 2003 when one of the group members dedicated a song to me after a conversation we'd had the night before, and it's not as it sounds. The group member is also a woman, and our talk had to do with something God was doing in my life that night.

In May of this year, I gave The Group a letter telling them that God had revealed to me why they were put into my life and me in theirs - there is too much to that to post about. When I'd had to leave them and the fan club in March 2006, I felt like I'd failed, because I thought I was supposed to help make this fan club an online ministry, both for The Group and for their fans. Teaching the fans to look beyond The Group and see the people and praying for them and such. But in April (I think) of this year, God showed me the real reason I'd met these people, and it was to teach me things that had helped me to minister in my own church. The Group had known a lot about my past and how God had used them to not only save my life, but to help me understand who I was in Christ. I wanted to share with them this latest thing God had shown me, thinking they would think it to be cool that they'd been such as example to me.

WRONG

About a month ago, a friend (Mr. Friend) tells me that someone from The Group had told someone who's not a friend of mine, and even an enemy (I'll call her Ms. Not So Nice), about my letter. And they said I was still being upset over what had happened two years ago during a week of fans getting together. That never crossed my mind when I was writing the letter. When Mr. Friend told me this, I was hurt, angry and confused. They had no right to share what I shared from my heart with Ms. Not So Nice, who'd told me to take a hike when I was worried for her health two years ago. Mr. Friend also told me that Ms. Fan Club had been called in for a meeting with the record company and was told she needed to stop being a b*tch to the fans, esp with another week of the fan club getting together.

So, I hear that Ms Fan Club was actually nice last week, and then I thought, "Hey, could there be a connection to what happened with my letter and the meeting with the record company?" The Group was told by more than one person two years ago what this person had done to fans in their name - and the fan club wasn't even official yet. But they ignored it, telling her that she could do what she wanted cause she was saved, that there was no need to admit what she did, repent to God and apologize to us. Okay, maybe they didn't actually tell her that, but that's what she heard.

So, after nearly two years, they think I've been troubled over that week to the point that God had to minister to me about it. Perhaps they contacted Ms. Not So Nice to ask her what had happened that week - since nearly everyone else involved with that week has nothing to do with the fan club, and some have even stopped liking The Group. Is there a connection? My letter is misinterpreted, questions are asked of someone that shouldn't have been asked, but perhaps her answers are truthful about Ms. Fan Club. So The Group, through the record company (since the fan club is now official) has a meeting with Ms. Fan Club saying, "You'd better never do this again to fans."

And IF this is how it went down, then I will concede to actually seeing these people again. If not, and it really is a simple act of betrayal, then I hope to never see them again this side of heaven. I forgive them, and I will look to God for the healing of my heart. But unless He gives me a certain directive to reconcile with them, they are as dead to me.

No, not very Christian. I know that. Fortunately, God has a way of dealing with my heart, and over time, He will love me out of this hurt. Until then, unless it's news that there was a good reason for them to share my heart with others, this is how it is.

I found this on a Christian messageboard

It is important to realize that if we
- are not 100% Truthful,
- do not rely on the Word of Truth (God's Word)
- have not accepted the Righteousness of Christ,
- are not prepared to share His Good News with others,
- do not trust Him implicitly in all circumstances,
- do not accept and trust in all Jesus Christ has done for us,
- do not use the Word of God to answer arguments,
- and do not pray in Jesus' Name
we will not enjoy the stress-free life (inspite of our problems) that is possible.

Sunday

Sundays are my busiest day of the week, and it's all at church. I go to church in a town about 20 mins away, so I just stay at church all day. I take my computer, but there isn't any internet service there. Instead, I listen to music and study scriptures. And I sometimes nap in the youth department. This evening, before the service, we'll be having a baby shower for a precious little girl.

I'm going to be glad to stay at church today, because it's supposed to be our hottest day yet. The real temp will be above 100, and the heat index above 110. Good thing everyone likes a cold church, I guess. After being in there all day, I usually have to go outside to warm up.

My sister will be bringing my niece back today. She's been recuperating at her bf's mom's house. It turns out that he tore his rotator cuff, so he's out for the football season. I'm glad he's still alive. Thursday night, one sister and I went to the other sister's house ( the mother of my niece who was in the wreck), and when I pulled in, I was so thankful we weren't meeting to plan a funeral.

Oooops. Time to go and finish getting ready for church.

Have a blessed day.

Praise the Lord

Yesterday afternoon, my 14 yr old niece and her 15 yr old bf were riding his moped when a car pulled out in front of them. The bf didn't have time to stop and hit the car, sending him and my niece flying over the hood of the car. They were both wearing helmets, but it was still bad enough to require a ride to the ER via EMS. My niece was on a backboard with a c-collar, and it was thought she might have a concussion, even with having on the helmet. Also, the bf was having trouble moving one of his shoulders, and there was concern that something might have been broken.

In the end, nothing was broken in either teen. My niece has a badly bruised knee, but she is walking without crutches in a small splint. She will follow up with ortho in a couple of weeks. The bf had to miss football practice and lost his spot as starter in the first game, but he's alive and will still be able to play that night.

Also, I thank God for a bystander who kept the person who pulled out in front of the kids from leaving the scene, for giving the full account of the accident to the police, and for even going to the ER to check on the kids. We need more people in the world like that.

Also, I've decided that I will go to Israel. My sister is going to help me build up the strength to do all the walking that I will need to do. I've got 3 months to "train".

Living in Uncertainty

It's part of life, especially as a Christian, because we are to walk by faith instead of what we can see. It may sound crazy, but once you learn to follow the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit of God, it's actually very peaceful. Even when things aren't making sense, there is peace in knowing that God is already in my future.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not supposed to make a trip this November that I've been planning since March. It's a trip to the Holy Lands with the people from the Daystar Network. The truth of the matter is, I don't think I will be recovered enough from a car wreck to make the trip. I'm going to call the travel agent and talk with her about it all. I will have enough trouble with all the walking, even with a cane. I wouldn't be able to carry my heavy suitcase from the bus to the motel and back, but they may have a way for someone to help me out.

So I was wondering if perhaps this was just God's way of making sure I have a passport. Perhaps there is something else He's got planned for me later on that will require the passport. Like a short missions trip across the boarder in Mexico with a group called Helping Hands Ministries.

Time will tell. Either way, I know who holds my future in His hands.

First Post Here

I don't know if anyone will even see this. In fact, there are many who I hope never do, or don't realize who I am. I closed my myspace a few weeks ago, needing a break from things. I kept a fairly active blog there, but I didn't feel I could say what was on my heart. Long story.

So here I am on blogger.

I have finally made a clean break from a group of "friends" that were unhealthy to me. I thought they could be trusted because they are in a Christian music group. The group is not listed in my music favs, so there is no way anyone could figure out who I'm talking about unless they figure out who I am. And please, no Christian-bashing.

So, God told me over a year ago to break away from a fan club that they were taking over, but I thought it was because the girl who'd formed it is a mean, hateful, vicious person who lies as easily as she breathes. I found out a few nights ago that the group members themselves aren't so great either. I shared my heart with them, and they decided to share it with someone in Canada who shared it with someone in OH, who thought it best to tell me. And of course, by the time it gets back to me, it's not what I originally said, but in fact paints me in a rather poor light. *sigh*

Yes, I know I'm not perfect. Believe me I know that. I'm just venting, and I will be over it after this. And yes, I know they are just people and that God loves them. And in the end, once this life is over and we're all in heaven, this will not even be remembered. I am still learning to let it go and let God heal my heart. I do forgive all of them, as I know I've done stuff that needs to be forgiven. It's not "forgive and forget", because that's not how our brains are designed. Instead, we forgive, and then look to Jesus to help us deal with the pain of the memories. And from here, unless directed otherwise by God, this chapter in my life is closed.

And so, that's all I will dwell on that. My posts from here on out should be more on the positive side.

God bless.