So I've been out of church for about six months now, not trusting church people or even God. It's painful to keep trusting people only to find out I was stupid. None of us can be trusted, and yet, there's always the hope that "this" person can be trusted. What I had to search was when did I stop trusting God? Even when the music group and the others involved did all they did, even when I didn't believe that God's will is always done, I still trusted Him with my life. But I reached a point this summer when I stopped believing in His love. Why? I tracked it back to when I realized that we will not be raptured out of here before the tribulation, and I didn't see how I could trust a God that would allow the ones who believed in His Son and lived their lives for Him to go through such a horrible time. This shook the very foundation of my faith, and I walked away for the most part. I've never stopped thinking about it, knowing that if I didn't get my heart back where it belonged, my future was eternity without God.
It's interesting the thoughts that come to mind in the nether-world between sleep and awake, the twilight sleep of the morning without an alarm. I finally realized that not taking us out of here before things get really bad isn't a lack of love on God's part. I realized that the Christians here in the U.S., Canada, perhaps New Zealand and Australia, we are about the only place where Christians haven't yet faced severe persecution for our faith, and it's rather wimpy to think we should get to miss the tribulation via the rapture. I now realize that God already knows when and how I will die and what I will go through between now and then. I am at peace knowing that He is already there.
There's another area that I've had to deal with in this journey through agnosticism. I've finally come to grips with the fact that I'd allowed witchcraft into my view of God. I bought into the "word of faith" thinking, the "name it and claim it" teachings and probably a good does of the emergent-church beliefs . I've got to start over on this deal, rebuild what i know about God and His word. This is made harder by the fact that I have no desire to go to any church, but this too will probably work out. Some other morning, when floating in twilight sleep, it will be clear to me where I'm supposed to go, who I'm supposed to show my heart to again.
One thing about it, I won't fake it. I won't pretend to believe just to make other Christians and church-people happy. That would be the truth part of "in spirit and in truth" I guess. And perhaps since He's still working on my heart, God agrees.
It's interesting the thoughts that come to mind in the nether-world between sleep and awake, the twilight sleep of the morning without an alarm. I finally realized that not taking us out of here before things get really bad isn't a lack of love on God's part. I realized that the Christians here in the U.S., Canada, perhaps New Zealand and Australia, we are about the only place where Christians haven't yet faced severe persecution for our faith, and it's rather wimpy to think we should get to miss the tribulation via the rapture. I now realize that God already knows when and how I will die and what I will go through between now and then. I am at peace knowing that He is already there.
There's another area that I've had to deal with in this journey through agnosticism. I've finally come to grips with the fact that I'd allowed witchcraft into my view of God. I bought into the "word of faith" thinking, the "name it and claim it" teachings and probably a good does of the emergent-church beliefs . I've got to start over on this deal, rebuild what i know about God and His word. This is made harder by the fact that I have no desire to go to any church, but this too will probably work out. Some other morning, when floating in twilight sleep, it will be clear to me where I'm supposed to go, who I'm supposed to show my heart to again.
One thing about it, I won't fake it. I won't pretend to believe just to make other Christians and church-people happy. That would be the truth part of "in spirit and in truth" I guess. And perhaps since He's still working on my heart, God agrees.
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